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The former England captain made a series of heartbreaking admissions as he opened up on his health
Vickery opened up about his diagnosis of probable CTE(Image: X / The Observer)
Former England rugby captain Phil Vickery has admitted he has considered taking his own life in a devastating new interview.
The 73-cap international – who also toured twice with the British & Irish Lions in 2001 and 2009 – was diagnosed with probable chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) two years ago. The disease, which can only be officially confirmed after death, is caused by repeated head injuries and kills brain cells, shrinks brain tissues and leads to symptoms including severe memory loss and drastic mood swings.
A host of top rugby players have received the same diagnosis in recent years, including Wales internationals Alix Popham and Ryan Jones. More than 1,000 players, including Vickery, are part of a concussion lawsuit against governing bodies including World Rugby, the RFU and the Welsh Rugby Union, with those bodies accused of failing in their duty of care to protect players during their careers.
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Vickery has now opened up about his diagnosis and the impact that brain injuries have had on his life in a heartbreaking new interview with The Observer.
During the interview, he pledged to donate his brain for research into neurodegenerative diseases and admitted he has considered taking his own life as he asked ‘what does it have to take’ for more action to be taken.
“What am I gonna have to do?,” said the 50-year-old. “Jump off f***ing Clifton Suspension Bridge? With a little note put on my neck, ‘Please use my f***ng brain’.
“Actually, I won’t jump off there in case I ruin anything. I’ll find out how to f***ing kill myself so you can use my brain to prove [CTE]. And I tell you what, let’s have a live autopsy with the top f***ing autopsy person in the world doing it for proof.
“Is that gonna make someone stand up? I don’t know,” he added. “What a horrible thing to say. But what does it have to take?”
Vickery also revealed the various mental blocks that he now experiences, with the former England star left in tears at the side of the road after being asked to deliver some food to his partner’s grandmother – a six-mile trip he made “20 times” – and forgetting how to get there.
“‘This is not f***ing beating me,” he recalled asking himself at the time. “What the f***ing hell are you doing, Phil? What is going on? What is going on? And I did get there, in the end. It’s just stupid things like that.”
He continued: “With the knowledge that we have now, it makes you wanna cry. Because it’s f***ing awful.
“Brain injuries are with you all the time, 24/7, 365 days a year, and it weighs heavy, and it grinds at you all the time. It won’t beat me. You know, I keep going.”
However, despite everything that he now faces due to his rugby career, Vickery admits that he would “do it all again”, as he called for more focus on helping sufferers than blaming those running the sport.
“The sport’s f***ng amazing,” he said. “Rugby’s an amazing sport. You know, the sad reality is I sit here today – would I do it all again? Oh my God, I would. I’m f***ing mental, but I would because it’s amazing.
“I also sit here knowing there are lots of people out there, I believe, who are suffering because of the sport. And it’s not about blaming the sport and about getting all nasty and horrible. Let’s just f***ng help people. There are people suffering, so let’s help them.”
Vickery’s heartbreaking admission left viewers upset, with one writing: “Wow – very raw. Thoughts with all the players who are dealing with brain injuries as a result of playing a game they love.”
Another tearfully added: “Goodness me. I hope he’s getting some psychological support,” while a third wrote: “How desperately, desperately sad.”
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