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Host Nikki Glaser returned to host the Golden Globes on Sunday, delivering a scorching opening monologue that roasted many of the celebrities in the room.
“Just like Wicked, I’m back for a sequel,” she told the A-list crowd. “Just like Frankenstein, I’ve been pieced together by an unlicensed European surgeon.
“And just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I should not be allowed to be this close to Julia Roberts.”
Leonardo DiCaprio’s love life, George Clooney’s coffee commercials, and the proposed Warner Bros sale were among the topics Glaser had in her sights.
The stars took her cutting comments in good humour as Glaser reflected on the last year in film and TV.
Here are 22 of her best jokes.
1. Welcome to the Golden Globes – without a doubt, the most important thing that’s happening in the world right now.
2. So let’s get down to business, shall we? We’ll start the bidding for Warner Bros at $5, do I hear $5?
3. Tonight we are celebrating the best of TV and film, right here in the heart of Los Angeles, where no TV or film has been made for the past six years.
4. There are so many A-listers here, and by A-listers I mean people who are on a list that has been heavily redacted. The Golden Globe for best editing goes to the Justice Department.
5. George Clooney, you’re amazing, I’m such a fan. I’ve always wanted to ask you this question, it might be unprofessional but here goes: My Nespresso has been coming out kind of watery, and I’m wondering, is it like a pod issue, or do you think it might be the filter?
6. The Rock is nominated tonight, and, luckily for him, the TV show The Paper is not, so he might win.
7. Kevin Hart is here, the Rock’s plus one-half.
8. Kevin and the Rock are like my favourite comedy duo. You’re like Steve Martin and Martin Short but for people under-50 IQ. “Jumanji: Next Level” – was it?
9. What a career Leonardo DiCaprio has had. Countless iconic performances, you’ve worked with every great director, you’ve won three Golden Globes and an Oscar, and the most impressive thing is you were able to accomplish all that before your girlfriend turned 30.
10. Leo, I’m sorry I made that joke, it’s cheap, I tried not to, but we don’t know anything else about you, man. There’s, like, nothing else.
11. Like, open up, I’m serious, I searched. The most in-depth interview you’ve ever given was to Teen Beat magazine in 1991, is your favourite food still “pasta, pasta and more pasta?”
12. Sean Penn, you’re such an original. Everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger, meanwhile Sean Penn is like, ‘What if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag?’
13. Fun fact: Hamnet was actually the original name for Spanx. I’m wearing three ham-nets right now.
14. In Sinners, Michael B Jordan played two brothers. Am I allowed to say that? Doesn’t sound right. He played twins.
15. Wicked was back this year, with Wicked: For Money.
16. Once agin, Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande gave us two career-defining performances. Two hours into that movie, I was in tears. I was like, ‘I can’t believe there’s still 45 minutes left’.
17. Ariana, I would listen to you sing the phone book. Grab the one Kevin Hart is sitting on tonight.
18. Timothée Chalamet is here for Marty Supreme – he’s the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about ping-pong.
19. It’s a privilege to be in this room with you all. Please keep doing what you’re doing. Guillermo del Toro, keep making weird monster sex movies. And James Cameron, keep making weird monster sex movies.
20. Noah Wyle, keep being the only doctor I’ve seen regularly for the last 35 years.
21. Jacob Elordi and Paul Mescal, keep being the same person to my mom.
22. And lastly, Steve Martin and Martin Short, keep proving that in this industry, you’re never too old to still need money.
