I was a hostage negotiator for 10 years – this is what it taught me about parenting

Being a parent and working as a hostage negotiator don’t immediately appear to have a lot in common, but someone who has been both says tricks she learnt in her profession can help you at home.

Nicky Perfect spent over 30 years as a Metropolitan Police officer, including 10 years as an international hostage and crisis negotiator, in the elite New Scotland Yard Hostage and Crisis Negotiation Unit.

At times, she says, knowing what to do or say as a parent, can feel high-stakes – the difference between keeping the peace and a full-on meltdown or argument.

Here are the three techniques from her high-pressure career which will help you stay calm and in control as a parent, she told the BBC’s Parenting Download podcast,

Kids regularly push boundaries and often want to do the opposite of what you ask them.

In situations like these rather than asserting your authority and using the “because I said so” phrase, try the “no choice choice”, trick, says NIcky.

This means reframing the situation by continuing to enforce one choice, but doing so in a manner that still gives your child a sense of control and influence.

So, asking a child whether they want to put their coat on in the house or when they go outside, for example, can help them feel heard, respected and involved – all while leading to the same outcome.

Another example could be giving a child that is refusing to eat vegetables the option between broccoli or sprouts.

This may not work every time, but it can help limit immediate resistance.

When dealing with sensitive topics, Nicky advises not responding for 90 seconds to stop you responding emotionally.

As an FBI agent once told her: “your job in life is not to change people… you can’t… the only thing you can choose is how to respond.”

It is important to remember this choice exists even when emotions threaten to overwhelm the logical side of our brain.

“The response might just be, ‘do you know what? I’m being quite emotional now. I need to go away and think about this’,” says Nicky. “Or it might be you just don’t say anything, and you listen to what they’ve got to say.”

As a co-parent, she had to put this into practice herself when her stepdaughter admitted she wanted to spend Christmas Day with her dad and siblings after they moved further away.

Internally, Nicky desperately wanted her to stay. But, she says, “somewhere along the line you have to press the pause button… and say this is your Christmas. It’s a day in my life. What do you want?”

Accepting this made it easier for her to decide how to spend the day herself – as well as plan a new way of celebrating together with her stepdaughter, either before or after.

Seeing the world from the other person’s point of view, be they big or small, is key, says Nicky.

This way you can sell the benefits of your outcome to the other person, while also making them feel heard.

“It’s called the ‘power of’ negotiation, because if you give people reasons why something should or shouldn’t happen, they’re more likely to accept it,” says Nicky.

“It’s about recognising it and being really honest with people. People are far more receptive to your honesty than you think they’re going to be,” she says.

Take the common problem of tantrums over bedtime. Children can often struggle with the loss of autonomy that a sudden bedtime announcement brings.

A solution, says Nicky, is to consider how the child feels in that moment, rather than view it as an adult.

If they’re enjoying playing and then you suddenly say it’s time to go to bed, this can feel abrupt and naturally upset them.

Instead, her suggestion is to prepare the child as soon as they get home – weaving the night time routine naturally into the conversation and reinforcing it regularly throughout the evening.

Something like “we’ll have dinner, then watch some TV and then it’s bedtime” acts as a good framework.

The child then feels more involved and aware of what is coming, even if they don’t necessarily like it – meaning hopefully fewer tantrums.